


im trying

by neocrackheadtech



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Insomnia, M/M, Other, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, Stray Kids Ensemble - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, dont hate me, im sorry y’all, kinda one shots, lasplock, sometimes not, sometimes the chapters are dialogue, this is really depressing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-03-07 17:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18878203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neocrackheadtech/pseuds/neocrackheadtech
Summary: jisung is trying his best, but sometimes it’s just not good enough.





	1. im  trying

**Author's Note:**

> EXPLANATION ON HOW THIS IS WRITTEN: I wrote these as experiences of jisungs and they don’t all take place one after the other.
> 
>  
> 
> !!! PLEASE READ TAGS!!! This could really be triggering so if you are not comfortable with suicidal themes please do not read!

jisung doesn’t remember when he last felt the true feeling of happiness. that feeling like you are flying, soaring above the clouds, looking at everyone and everything below. but he is trying to, and sometimes, he thinks, it’s just not good enough.

 

_so,_ he ponders, _maybe it’s about time I stop trying._

 

* * *

 

 when jisung stares back his reflection in his mirror, he wonders, _who is that, who is that thing I so hope that is not me?_

_after a while of staring wearily, he comes to a realization that no matter what he hopes, he cannot change anything, not the past, not the present, and not the future. it has all been decided for him. his fate._

 

so when he notices the way his thighs bulge out in ways that he thought were not humanly possibly, the way his stomach sticks through clothing like ink on paper, they way his face is shaped, it all reminds him how disgusting he is. he wants to change, but after time you learn that not everything can change when you want it to. 

and all he is left with, after being stripped of his happiness and dignity, is the sounds of his own breaths in the quiet room.

 

* * *

 

  _jisungs p.o.v._

 

sometimes, i wonder what it would be like to die. 

to be free from all of life’s problems. 

i can’t help but think that the world would benefit from not having me in it. 

but if i woke up, and i was still breathing, still alive, everything i would have tried to achieve, no matter what, would be for nothing.

so i know, that if i do try and commit one day, i have to do it correctly. i have to absolutely ensure that i will die. no matter what it takes, i’ll make sure there’s no chance of surviving. no way i live.

_and if i do regret in those few seconds..._

 

_will it even matter?_

_you can’t have seconds thoughts when you’re dead._

 

_anyway._ i have all the time in the world to decide. who knows, maybe I can be one of those miracles, the ones that get to live a good life when they grow old... but who am i kidding? optimism is for happy people.

 

 


	2. breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s hard breathe when you’re drowning. because eventually the light will consume you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> same topics and triggers apply to this chapter <3 proceed with caution

 

_breathing, running, breathing, running, breathing, running, no breathing, no running. **stop**. _

_no air._

_no light._

_nothing._

 

 

 

sounds of harsh gasps for air fills the room as jisung wakes.

jisung can feel the sweat beads fall down his damp forehead. his eyes scan the room in a haste almost as if to say “am I still dreaming?”. 

his breathing slows and he can feel air start to full his lungs once again. 

while attempting to go sit up slowly, jisung grips his shirt around the area of his heart. _it hurts,_ he thinks. 

it hurts in a way where, there is so much pain yet none at all. and he is sick of this. sick of feeling so numb inside. like he will never feel his own emotions. sick of the same routine of going to sleep crying and waking up in the same state. sick of the anxiety and sadness of it all. and all he wishes...is for it to be over. 

for the world to stop.

for time to stop.

for life to stop.

_because maybe then,_ the voices tell him, _you can ease the pain._

* * *

honestly, he does not want to die. he wants to be free. and feel the happiness he so deserves. but he cannot help but think that the only way- the only real option for him- is to die.

* * *

the voice get louder every day. everytime he looks out the window, or talks to someone - whether it be a stranger or someone close to him- they always grow louder. feeding his hungry mind with thoughts of hatred and lethal messages.

 and when he tries to silence them, they always come back. 

so when he decides that maybe this truly is then end, that he will not live much longer, you know why. 

 

_you know why he tried to keep on breathing. and why he eventually gave up._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. it’s short but sweet (?). let me know if you want another chapter... I might make another but I’m not sure.


	3. stay young forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> same tags/ warnings apply every chapter <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one has some pretty harsh words, and is only dark in the beginning and near the end. As always there is mentions of self-hatred and cutting multiple times. I also decided I’d make this a little bit longer and have way more dialogue. Let me know if you like this, I’d love the feedback <3

someone once told jiusng that if he wanted something bad enough, it was possible. so why is it so hard? why can’t he just end it?

 

* * *

 

 

_don’t follow me, you’ll end up dead . don’t touch me, you’ll end up hurt.  don’t look at me, you’ll go blind. don’t hear me, you’ll end up deaf. everything that even breathes near me will end up dead._  

 

faint, but loud, knocking on a door disrupts his thoughts. jisung recognizes a familiar voice yelling,

 

“...god-fuck...hurry...you hoe...I swear..”

 

jisung sits it’s up slowly and checks his clock wearily,

 

it read 7:15 am.

it takes about 3.27 seconds for jisung to realize he is incredibly fucking late.

 

hurriedly he stumbles to stand up and throws on his clothes that he finds shoved in his old wood closet. tripping a few times and manages to make it to the bathroom while yelling back to his friend, changbin,

 

“gimme a minute! I’ll be down there in a few!”

 

he hears few stray of random curses being thrown about.

 

while brushing his teeth in a haste he checks the mirror, just to see a sleep-deprived, messy haired, chubby cheeked, teenager staring back at him. jisung doesn’t even recognize what he sees, but he decides to dismiss it without a second thought. running down the stairs, and to the front door he grabs keys from the little dish next to the big, full length mirror, standing adjacent from the door, not forgetting to pick up his backpack. he greets his friend with a simple hi, and changbin stares at him unimpressed.

 

”what took you so fucking long bitch? Chan is going to throw a fit when he sees how late we are!” the older says sounding somewhat angry, but jisung knows he isn’t really mad.

 

“i fucking slept in. didn’t have any breakfast either so I’m hungry as fuck” jisung replies wittily.

they continue arguing over small things while making their way to to school in the semi-cold weather. the way it always is in that boring-ass town they live in.

when they arrive at school, they head to a table seating two boys. when one of the boys, the curly, bleach-blond, older looking one, spots them, he yells to them. 

 

“hey! why the fuck are y’all so late? we’ve been waiting for you guys for like-“ he checks his phone “17 goddamn minutes!” 

 

“don’t get mad at me! sung, over here, overslept apparently. I waited for him like a good friend.” changbin replies ever-so-proudly. 

 

they all all stare at jisung for a second, making him feel anxious and even more tired. but they turn back to their phones while mumbling quite little hmphs.

the pair sits down at the table, and jisung hugs the other boy and mutters “hi lixie” 

 

“hi bae” felix replies softly.

 

jisung almost falls asleep, but gets interrupted by a loud ringing, the bell, and he pushes himself to get up and go to class despite his incredible need for sleep and food.

 

he says good bye to the wryly boys, and gathers his stuff. jisung makes his down the long school hall, avoiding any familiar faces and any social contact. unfortunately, he runs into a fellow classmate and realizes very quickly it is a very handsome, young lee minho.

 

or his crush. minor details though.

 

”oh! jisung, what a surprise! how are you?” the taller asks.

 

“oh-uh-i-uh, i’ve uh been good... uhm...how about you Hyung?”

 

if minho notices jisung is nervous as hell, he sure doesn’t say anything.

 

”i’m great! it’s been quite the year hasn’t it? i hope the weather can clear up soon...baseball hasn’t been all that fun with grey skies, but I’ll manage. otherwise im good.” minho states, happily.

 

jisung nods and says “this has been great, but I-uh have to uh go to class, so I’ll see you later okay?”

 

_lies_. jisung knows that as soon as that lasts bell rings, he’s out of here. straight to his bed and blade. _but he would never say that._ in an attempt to escape, he tries so smile and run past, but minho decides the he is going to grab jisungs arm and talk some more.

 

his arm. with fresh cuts distributed all down his forearm, unbandaged.

jisung winces hard.

 

”oh my god! I’m so sorry! Are you alright? Did I hurt you? Oh my god I gra-“ minho asks sounding very worried, but get cut off by the younger saying,

 

”oh, uhm, no I, just am tired and I uh get startled easily” he lies easily. _pathetic_ , his mind tells him, _how can you lie to someone you love so much?_  

 

“oh okay...anyways I’m sorry,” minho replies sadly “I’ll just let you get to class” he finishes dejectedly.

 

jisung nods and walks away, lost in his thoughts. _god, you’re such a fuck up! how could you make your crush feel so bad you faggot!_ the voice feeds his hungry mind. with more anxiety and worry in his mind he makes it to his first class, AP bio. great. he just _adores_ this fucking class. oh well. what can he do, he’s already entered the class. seemingly sitting down unnoticed he pulls out his binder and computer. he lets a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

 

”HAN JISUNG! WHATS UP MY BRO!”

 

_not again._

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! I hope you all have a lovely day! if you have any suggestions you want to see pm me or comment, I’ll try to make it happen 💗


	4. leave my youth behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!!! hello! I won’t waste any of your time, but I just wanted to start off this chapter saying thank you for all the support <3 this story is very personal and it means the absolute world that you guys like it. 
> 
> anyway, as for the actual story, I wanted to add that the chapters might be a bit random. I was in the mood to write tonight so you guys got a longer chapter. this won’t always happen though loves. it really does take quite the amount of work to put one out so please understand if some chapters are short and others longer. 
> 
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, BLOOD, DEPRESSION, ETC.

_“HAN JISUNG WHATS UP MY BRO!”_

 

_not again._

 

 

a very loud, familiar voice floods his senses. he recognizes his seat mates annoyingly-booming voice anywhere. placing his dainty hand on his ears harshly, he lowers his head onto the table to avoid people’s harsh glares at his, now bright red red, face.

 

jisung murmurs something along the lines of,

 

”hi...hyunjin...funny seeing you here...or more-so hearing you here...” 

 

 the taller ignores his comment and proceeds to sit down and slap jisungs back with all his might, causing the squirrel-like boy to yelp (quite loudly might I add).

 

after settling down and starting up a unwanted conversation with his deskmate, the class began.

 

 

* * *

 

about halfway through the class, jisung realizes that his ‘scabs’ have started to bleed due to the rough hand contact he had earlier, with his fellow friend, minho. without thinking, he starts panicking. his breathing becoming much harsher by the second. his mind slowly registers that he needs to get out of that classroom, and quick. to find his way to a bathroom and clean himself up. 

 

luckily, for him, hyunjin doesn’t notice, seeing as he’s fallen asleep about 7 minutes prior.

 

jisung meekly raises his (good) arm and taps his foot gently on the old school floor. his teacher, mrs. wong, calls on him. 

 

“yes mr. han? may i help you?”

 

”uhm, I was wondering, if I could use the restroom? please?” jisung answers.

 

”we have 20 minutes left of this class? can’t you wait? is it an emergency?” mrs. wong questions, suspicious of the young boy.

 

”uh well you see, i uh, it is an emergency?” 

 

jisung swears he could see the wheels turning in that mean old ladies head.

 

”well i suppose that _would_ be alright...as long as your back within 10 minutes...” she finally settles on. he takes back everything mean he’s ever said about that woman. she is a god-send. 

 

”uHM,” he manages to choke out “ I can, I mean I will be back in 5 ma’am.”

 

pulling down his sleeve and trying his best not to draw attention to his arm, he stands up and heads to the door. peering out into the still hallway, he lets out a breath. but his joy is not long lasting. he underestimated how hard minho’s grasp was. because he feels a small drip of blood run down his ar. but to be fair, minho _is_ a baseball player, and he did happen to go a little bit to deep the night before.

 

making his way to the bathroom, he started at the lockers, some with dents and scratches and some that look perfectly new. spotting the boys restroom, he enters and looks in between the stall cracks,p to see if there are any people in it. 

 

_“yes”!_  he says internally. celebrating the absence of pre/post pubescent boys in the old, smelly bathroom. from his pocket, jisung locates a old cotton ball and some tissues. he then turns on the sink and quickly puts a little water on the cotton ball and rolls up his striped long-sleeve.

 

dabbing the very deep, open wounds, he winces at the sting. he continues to keep applying more moist cotton to his wound and lightly dries the cuts with paper towels. when the bleeding slows, after about 3 minutes of intricate medical attention, he puts some of the tissues on them and digs to find some tape in pocket (a/n; when I used to cut, I tried to keep small amounts of supplies in my pocket Incase of an emergency) and successfully makes a makeshift rap on his arm.

 

land just when he thought, maybe, just maybe he could get back to the classroom with minutes to spare, seeming unsuspicious, he hears a soft whisper in his ear. the voice says,

 

_” **you can’t even cut right? pathetic, such a waste of air”**_

 

_n-no_ , jisung says back, unsure of himself. _it’s not true..._

_**“silly boy, you know deep down that you’ll never be okay, you’ll always be too broken to be loved. so don’t even try to convince yourself”** _

 

_why are are you doing this?!,_ he yells back to them,  _what did I ever do!_

 

_**”you never had to do anything, this was your fate. you are destined to be dead. give up.”** _

 

and for once, he might just listen to the voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading babes <3 as always, have an amazing night and try to get some rest. I love you all and if you ever need anything I’m always free (my twt is @neocrackhdtech and my ig is @fullsunlove_ so feel free to pm me there!) you are wanted, and you are not a burden. don’t be afraid to ask for help. stay safe (*´꒳`*)


	5. breathe me back to life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter will have extreme descriptions of blood, I did out a warning at where it starts to get graphic. this one was super long, and I spent a total of 4 hours writing and revising it. I really hope you enjoy!

_and for once, he might just listen to the voice._

 

* * *

 

 

when the long awaited bell rang, jisung said goodbye to his older friend and headed to his next class. dreading the long wait for lunch. but at least he could try to rest a bit. 

 

the classes droned on, feeling them almost melt into eachother. his eyes began to feel heavy, but he resisted. the sad, tiring cycle. _school._  he thinks they called it.

 

the time couldn’t go any slower, he thought to himself. the things he would do to make time go faster...maybe that’s what this is all about. maybe it’s always just been about time. because although he says now that me wants it to go faster, in reality, in the voices, he just wants time to stop.

 

imagine how peaceful it must be,

 

a soft humming while the world is still. it almost felt like...freedom.

 

but a lass, all of his daydreams must come to an end. all his dreams do.

 

 _but,_ he thinks _, maybe my dreams will come true tonight. maybe, just maybe, I can make time stop. once and for all._

 

 

* * *

 

shoving his school supplies into his old, worn-out backpack, he sets foot towards his treacherous journey. the school cafeteria. heaven and hell combined. 

 

okay maybe hes he’s being a little dramatic, but when did that ever stop anyone?

 

”hey squirrel boy! get your fatass over here, sexy mama!” his friend, seungmin, yells.

 

feeling the humiliation start to weigh on him, he shyly made his way to their lunch table. not forgetting to return a wave at his favorite (don’t tell the others ;)) hyung. earning snickers not only from the rest of the baseball team, but his own friends. how nice.

 

jisung figures he might be a little hungry. it makes sense. he hasn’t eaten in...37 hours? we’ll, that is other than an apple he had last night at 4:24 am. he thinks he’s lost track. so he takes out his crappy, pre packed lunch from the night before, and starts to dig in. although, there wasn’t much to really dig into.

 

”so...sungie! I was thinking...since you know my parents don’t really like everyone hanging out at my house.. why don’t we go to yours tonight!” said the freckle faced, Aussie boy.

 

shit. his “plans”. he would just have to come up with an excuse for now.

 

”well...uhh...you see about that... well i-i uh actually was planning on watching something by myself tonight! yeah!” he sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more so than the others.

 

”can’t we just watch it together,” the younger whines, “we never hang out after school anymore, just this once hyung! Please~~~~” he says cutely. _vomit._ jisung thinks.

 

”pleeeeease lixie, you know I would let you but tonight I really wanted to do this by myself...” 

 

“fine. tommorow then.” felix says, sounding very sure if himself. 

 

jisung nods. the guilt eating him up. because as soon as Felix had responded, his mind automatically went to “ **there will be no tomorrow”.** god he was messed up. he was so fucked up beyond repair, that he himself had even started to pity the thing they called jisung.

 

the five boys (Chan, jisung, Felix, changbin And seungmin) continued to argue and bicker until the loud ringing filled their ears. the day went on, slowly, but it did. by the end of the day, the whole school was tired.

 

jisung headed to his usual spot to meet Chan and changbin. once he spotted the two, he waved vigorously to them. they waved him over to them and pushed open the main doors and started walking. 

 

 _it never got sunny_ , jisung thought mindlessly. the boys seemed to pick up on his behavior and they both grabbed his hands and intertwined his hands with theirs. although they didn’t show it much, the orders really did care so much about jisung. he was like their baby, they watched him grow up with them and saw how much the smaller had become. so the couldn’t help but coo whenever sung did even the slightest cute thing. and they surely couldn’t even imagine what they’d do without him.

 

jisung noticed the sudden affection and leaned into it. pulling them closer to him, so they squished him. it was quite unusual behavior because the younger, as of recent, had started to distance himself. and it wasn’t that his hyung hadn’t noticed, because they had. but the two always had the lingering thought that maybe they were wrong. maybe they were just delusional. and the thoughts that maybe there was something more never really lasted anyway. even though jisung had tried to ask for help, it never seemed like anyone could hear him, and he guesses maybe gphe got bored of pushing for something he wasn’t even sure he needed.

 

* * *

 

 

it was around 3:45 when they got to changbins house, saying goodbye and waving him away. once they said their farewells to him, chan and jisung made their way to jisung’s place. it wasn’t that far from changbins or chan’s, but when all you eat for 36 hours is a sandwich and an apple, the absence of that energy really catches up to you. 

 

“here we are sungie...I’ll see you tomorrow ok?”

 

”yeah hyung...see you tomorrow” jisung says quietly.

 

a nervous feeling fills chans brain, like he can sense something but he’s not quite sure. he’s noticed the anxiety radiating from jisung and isn’t sure what’s going on. 

 

just as jisung starts make his his way to his front door, Chan calls out,

 

”hey jisung...? are you...are you okay? you know you can tell me anything right?” 

 

jisung turns around surprisedly. not expecting that.

 

”oh uh, yeah... im fine hyung... no need to worry about me...and yeah if anything happens I’ll come to you...” chan doesnt  seem very convinced by his reply.

 

“alright I guess...I’ll see you later jisung...” chan looks at jisung, as if he’s trying to find something. he just can’t shake that eerie feeling. 

 

hesitantly, chan walk away. making his way home.

 

 _“how can you lie so easily to him? god you are such a waste of space, making that poor boy worry about you. the only good thing you’ll ever do would be killing yourself. everyone would be so much happier”_ the voice said. 

 

 _i know. I know, I should do it. so if I do...will you stop? will you leave me alone?_ jisung asks the voice,

 

 _“we’ll have no use for you, so yes, we will. as long as you make sure you die.”_  

 

 _okay._  he responds again.

 

* * *

 

 (warning!!!!!! there is graphic descriptions of blood and wounds in this scene, proceed with caution)

 

looking around his empty house, he mourns the loss. the loss of his happiness, his joy, and his old life. his parents left him quite a long time ago. 3 years ago to be more precise. he’s still not sure when they’ll come back to him, but he doesn’t question it. he’s learned not to.

 

tossing his bag on the couch, he slips off his old, crusty, sneakers, and makes his way to his kitchen counter, and sits down. his breathing is slow and barely there. he can imagine it won’t be a very different feeling when just stops. 

 

 _it’s to late to be writing a death note,_ he thinks, _i guess the just have to make a guess on what happened._  he shrugs.

 

jisung finds his box of razors in his room. he gathers some things, like some old unworn clothes to wear, and some bath salts. it may seem a bit extra to put bath salts in your bathtub when you’re planning to die there, but he at least wants it to smell nice. not like rotting flesh or rusty blood. 

 

he he changes his clothes and takes a deep breath. his last day on earth. he never thought he be saying that anytime soon. oh well, somethings change and somethings don’t.

 

he picks up his razors and walks towards the bathroom. he takes one last look in the mirror and thinks to himself,

 

_god. how did we let it get this far?_

 

thats a questions he’s wondered for quite a while. he wonders if he’ll ever get the answers he’s looking for.

 

jisungs cranks the handle of the bathtub and turns it on medium hot. he pure in a handful of lavender bath salts and stares down at his “death bed”. it’s as good as it going to get. 

 

once the water reaches the correct level, he shuts it off. 

 

his plan to die goes like this;

 

fill up the bath with water and shit,

 

slit my my wrists on both arms and along my legs,

 

and then hop in. 

 

done.

 

his next step on his list would be to slit his wrists if he’s not incorrect. 

 

his small hand picks up a blade starts almost seconds later. he feels the cool metal touch his skin and he presses down, feeling the coolness being replaced with pain and the warmth of his rusty red blood. he can  feel his skin being opened, releasing the contents trapped under it. he feels the numbness return.

 

so he begins to go a bit deeper, deeper with every cut. 

 

he he continues to make about 38 incisions on each arm, not forgetting to count how many seconds he pushes the blade down for. 

 

when he looks down to observe what he’s just done, he just sees red. nothing like could faze him anymore. and he knows there’s no turning back. 

 

he pulls down down his pants to expose his thick yet skinny thighs. he feels some blood drip onto his thighs. so he continues. ignoring any and all pain that comes with it. he keeps on going, feeling to momentum fill his veins, replacing all the blood there once was. 

 

when he finishes he’s he pulls down his sleeves and yanks up his pants, disregarding the stings from the extreme cuts. he takes a breath.

 

in and out. this is it. no turning back now.

 

he takes a step over to his bathtub, stumbling a bit. 

 

he he puts his foot above the bath.

 

 

 

and then he hears it.

 

a doorbell ringing. 

 

his eyes snap towards the bathroom door.  his breathing staggers harshly, but he pushes himself not to have a panic attack.

 

he figures, maybe the person will go away, maybe they’ll leave. but he hears something else. a voice. not one of his voices in his head. a familiar voice. he recognizes it anywhere.

 

 it’s chan.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLIFFHANGER!!!! Sorry y’all I had to! anyway, the next chapter won’t be posted for a while because I’m going on vacation soon. if I’m up to it, I will post while I’m there, but it’s really u likely...let me know what you thinks going to happen next! as always I’m always free to pm (my twitter is @neocrackhdtech and my ig is @fullsunlove_) so if you ever need anything don’t hesitate to text me! remember to stay safe guys, love you all 💓


	6. i stumble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing this on the way back from vacay! hope you like it, sorry it’s a little late. same tags/ warnings apply every chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if it seems a little rushed aswell, I’m so tired and I’m currently high asf, and running on 5 hours of sleep a day.

 

_it’s chan._

 

* * *

 

 

Harshly pulling down his sleeves with blurred vision and weak legs, he moves his body towards the door. barely standing up. he can feel the blood soaking up his sleeves. he feels it running down his legs. it’s so cold yet so warm.

 

stumbling out of the bathroom towards the front door, he notices the drops of blood he has left on the hardwood floors.

 

finally arriving at the door he struggles to open the door. he grip tightening on the cold metal knob. he pulls the door open slightly to grant Chan limited visual access to his very injured body. 

 

unluckily to him Chan yanks the door  open, staring wide eyed at him. the older stares in shock for a good few seconds before scanning jisungs body noticing the bloody sleeves and pants, and the drops of blood splattered on the floor.

 

”oh my god...oh my god...oh my god!” Chan screams in anguish.

 

”hi Chan...is there something... I can help...you...with...” jisung can feel his start to slur, and he feels cold. he wants to sleep. his eyes are heavy and he gives in. 

 

he sees black. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

the smaller boy collapses to floor, almost smashing his head on the floor in the process. Chan lunges to catch him. he does so, successfully. He looks at the bloody, limp boy in his arms, feeling the warm liquid transfer onto his arms and torso. he scrambles to carry the boy into his home, placing him on the floor.

 

chan feels his breathing quicken rapidly.

 

he looks down at the half-dead boy. not sure what to do. he runs into the kitchen and looks for bandage. throwing things around the room in the process. he finally locates bandages and antiseptics and sets them next to jisung. he pulls his phone out in a haste to call someone, dialing a number.

 

 

he paces while listening to the dial tone.

 

 he hears it connect.

 

“uh hello? what’s up hyung?” the voice asks nonchalantly.

 

”ch-changbin! i-i-i uh need help here, oh my god, please help! I don’t know what to do!” Chan yells into the phone with hot tears streaming down his face.

 

“wait hold on Chan, what’s going on?” 

 

“Jisung, h-he, oh my god...he’s going to die here! help me...” chan rambles emotionally.

 

“what’s going on hyung?!? why is he dying!?!” chan hears changbin scream.

 

”just please, help me...help us...help him...” 

 

chan is crying harshly now. his eyes are red and puffy and his vision is blurry. he realizes that if he doesn’t attempt to give his younger friend medical treatment soon, he will surely die.

 

”changbin,” he tries steady his breathing “I’m going try and help him, please come to jisungs house... bring someone along please...”

 

”ok...hyung...please stay safe...I’ll be there as soon as possible.” changbin hangs up.

 

chan takes off his shirt to reveal pale skin and the starvation the boy had been struggling with. his ribs stick out and there are blueish purple bruises decorated all across his chest. he watches his chest rise slowly, but it still rises. that’ll have to do. 

 

he takes off the youngers pants, tossing them aside with the bloodied shirt. he stares mindlessly at his thin, almost bone-like, thighs. dark red blood is covering hands. he feels sick.

 

chan turns and runs to the kitchen and throws up in the sink. he wipes his mouth and goes back to the half naked, bloody, boy. he sits next to him and begins to spray jisung’s arms with the antiseptic spray and dabs each cut with cotton and paper towels. he takes a damp washcloth and places it on the open wounds. he repeats the process on the other arm and thighs.

 

the door swung open loudly, revealing an out of breath changbin and three other people. hyunjin, minho, and Woojin. changbin and Woojin rushed over to chan with tears on their faces, almost resembling chans very emotional state.

 

changbin assists chan in bandaging his arms and legs, praying to god he would be ok. 

 

meanwhile, hyunjin and minho stood astonished in the chaos. eyes wide and mouthes open in shock. realizations rush to the boys head almost simultaneously.

 

minho crashes to his knees. looking at his younger friend, he wonders what went wrong? what he could’ve done to prevent it?

 

 

 it’s unfair to ask himself that, but what about situation is fair if he’s being honest? 

 

 

on the floor, Woojin is sitting next to chan attempting to comfort him while he works on helping jisung. the two rappers continue to clean and rap jisungs deep cuts, while monitoring his breathing. 

 

when they finally finish bandaging him, chan  pulls the unconscious jisung into his lap, and looks at him while tears continue to fall. he strokes the youngers hair, running his finger through the soft locks. 

 

“...hey chan? um...I know it’s probably hard to answer but... w-what happened? how did you find him?” minho asked shakily.

 

chan takes a breath.

 

“ i-uH... I was walking home with changbin and jisung, and when I dropped sungie off, I didn’t feel right...I was so anxious and he seemed so upset. when I got home, i couldn’t rest. something felt so off, I just decided to run back to jisungs and check up. when I got there no one answered the door,

 

so I knocked harder, and yet no one came. so I started yelling, screaming  for him. i heard odd footsteps and then he opened the door, and I froze. he was covered in blood and he looked like he had been crying for hours. I swear my heart shattered. and then he just collapsed, I called you guys almost immediately. and now we’re here...”

 

“...wow that...it’s just...wow” minho breathed out. chan noticed how distraught minho looked and told him,

 

”I hope you know it’s not your fault, what happened to him. he decided to do it, he made that decision. all we can do is be there for him now.”

 

the rest of the boys nodded in an assuring way to minho. 

 

 

just as the boys seemed to calm down, the bandaged up boy began to stir. chans eyes shot towards jisung, shocked. 

 

the room stood still. it was almost so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. jisung moved slightly and groaned in discomfort.

 

chan kept looking at the very injured boy. watching his every move carefully. not wanting to hurt him anymore than he already was.

 

when jisung finally stopped moving, everyone let a out breath, just for them to hold it again when his eyes opened slightly.

 

 

 

_jisung pov (3rd person [??does that make sense??])_

 

 

 

everything hurt. it felt like everything was on fire and yet he felt so cold and his skin itched. 

 

he went to open his eyes, and all he saw was black, slowly fading in and out, like waves. looking up, he noticed his friend. 

 

 

_why was chan here?_

 

_why did he feel so exposed?_

 

_what is he doing on the floor?_

 

 

”...chan?” he called out, his voice hoarse from the strenuous crying that had occurred earlier.

 

”oh baby...oh love...why would you try to leave us?” a soft and comforting voice said.

 

jisung couldn’t tell if it was chan that was speaking, his mind was still so blurry.

 

”what...?” jisung asked, “what am I doing here?”

 

”sweetheart...it’s me, chan, your channie-hyung...why don’t you try to open your eyes a bit more for me? okay love?” Chan answered sweetly.

 

jisung used his strength to open his eyes a crack, just enough to see the lights blaring at him. causing him to blink rapidly, trying to adjust to the sudden lighting change.

 

once he got used to the light a bit, he looked up.

 

his eyes looking all doe-eyed and glossy. yet also red and somewhat pained. 

 

“that’s good baby,” Chan whispered affirmingly “...can you...uhm...tell us what happened? why you did this?”

 

 

_why he did what?_

 

_what did he do?_

_and us? who was us?_

 

 

jisung moved his eyes around the room and noticed all of his hyung gathered around him, worried looks plastered on their faces. and last but but not least, he noticed his absence of clothes. he tried to move to cover himself but chan quickly stopped him. worried for his wellbeing.

 

”don’t try to move sung, it’ll hurt too much,” “now baby, can you tell us what happened please...if you are up to it?”

 

and then the memories came come flooding back to him,

 

 

 

_his small hand picks up a blade starts almost seconds later. he feels the cool metal touch his skin and he presses down, feeling the coolness being replaced with pain and the warmth of his rusty red blood._

_-_

 

_in and out. this is it. no turning back now._

_he takes a step over to his bathtub, stumbling a bit._

_he he puts his foot above the bath._

 

- 

 

_a doorbell ringing._

 

_it’s chan._

 

-

 

almost immediately tears start streaming down his face, while he mumbles things such as, 

 

_im, well, I can’t, I’m so, just, please..._

 

Chan shushes him, “baby stop, take a breath, I’m here, just follow my breathing...” and with that, jisung seems to be catching his breath,

 

”that’s it baby, breath in and out...” 

 

“it must be so hard love, take your time...I’m here...no...we’re all here” chan assures him.

 

they all nod. Chan looks at changbin and whispers something, and jisung cant quite catch what exactly he said,

 

changbin gets up for a second, and stares at him, with a sad smile on his face. he then goes and walks into the kitchen, and grabs something.

 

he comes back with a glass of water and a small orange bottle. changbin puts out his hand with the small little pill and tells jisung to take it. as it will sooth his very noticeable pain. jisung sits up slightly with assistance and swallows the pill with no hesitation. 

 

changbin returns to the kitchen and sets down the cup and bottle and makes his way to the living area.

 

when chan sees him come back, he nudges jisung. almost as if to say  _‘go ahead’  
_

 

so jisung clears his throat and begins to talk.

 

 

_his story begins._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, I know this ending seems super rushed but im tired asf and I skated for 4 hours non stop today and I got about 5 hours of sleep 😀. feel free to give me any criticism on an chapter and leave your predictions for their reactions! as always, I’m always free to talk. my twt is @neocrackhdtech and my ig is @fullsunlove_ !!! and again, stay safe, and stay happy. Love you all. <3333 xoxo maja


	7. hiatus: i’m sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ｈｉａｔｕｓ ♡

hi everyone, I wanted to update you on this because I don’t want to not post for a month and think I abandoned this fic. firstly, I want to apologize if you were looking forward to an update today, because you guys probably won’t get an update from me for at least 2 weeks. im working on getting parental custody re evaluated, so I can live with my dad. my life has been really rough and hectic and I just can’t find it in me to write another chapter right now. I hope you can all understand. secondly, I just got new job so that I can pay back my mom $300 I didn’t even know I owe her. So time has been very limited, seeing that school is also starting in a few weeks for me. again, I’m really sorry if you saw this notification and was looking for a chapter. But my pms on ig and twt are always (@fullsunlove_ on ig and @neocrackhdtech on twt) open so if you need help I’m always free to talk or rant to. stay safe guys.

 

ｘｏｘｏ   ｍａｊａ。

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is your author here! I wanted to make this end note to explain why I wrote this. i understand people can judge the kinds of stories as selfish and romanticizing mental health. the majority of things I write are from personal experience and from feelings I’ve had or still have. i am in no way trying to “reach out for help” but I am just kind of putting some feeling out there as a way to help me and others feel like we belong. I hope stories I will make in the future can help anyone with issues they may deal with or at least help calm down certain things.
> 
> Anywho, I hope you are having an amazing day! xoxo maja


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